"Crikey!" - inspired by S. Irwin - close encounters with the fauna of a [Florida] parking lot, a YouTube series starring everybody
Friday, December 23, 2016
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
I think the secret to being a business man is to just own a whole bunch of formal clothes.
I think that's it. If you walk around in a suit all the time, people will just assume you belong wherever you go. You can shit-eating grin your way into all kinds of different circles of rich people. The Mayor of Idaho. The Chief Financial Officer of taking a dump on West Gainesbrough. George Clooney. Whoever. You can shit-talk your way into the first job position that opens up just by standing around a bunch of suit-clad clowns with a plate of hours douvres in your hand like you own the whole stank-ass building; you can make $60,000 your first year doing some weird shit.
This is it. This is the key. Not specifically knowledge or even competency in anything. Dress the fuck up - it would probably be expensive as shit, unaffordable for 70% of people easily if not more, probably 95% globally - and you're in, managing people around like a bunch of swine, herding them into small corrals to do cubiclework. You're in New York City, London, Singapore, and someone is paying for you to be there. All because you own a suit and a suitcase. A suitcase full of suits. And a deck of cards. (For making friends with the people sitting next to you on the airplane.) And a camera, if you're lucky. Maybe some camping equipment if you're so inclined. Dog food every single week - the healthy sustainable kind! An apartment, someday.
Dress your ass the fuck up and show up there, in downtown, the financial district, wherever you know a whole bunch of assholes congregate, just show up there with some crunchy baked corn kernels covered in spicy shit and start feeding the pigeons, but extremely discreetly, so that nobody bitches you out. Fucking show up there in that corporate party the next time Friday evening rolls around, and while you're enjoying the free food, find out what the fuck everybody does. Talk to these fuckers. Oh, and what do you do? And what do you do? I gather information; I am an information gatherer; I studied phonics. Say whatever the fuck you want, or better yet, try to be creative while still telling the truth. I'm a journalist. Of sorts. I write. Who doesn't write? You're all on Reddit every day, writing your asses off, generating all this content, and where does it even go? Who is going to sift through old archives, finding all of these great things people wrote in 2016? People in the 2070s, maybe. It'll be as interesting to them as shit from 1876 is to us. Maybe they - whoever - should print about five copies of their archives and store it refrigerated in some container, so that if the digital copies get deleted or lost somewhere along the way, historians in 3572 will know all kinds of information about who we were, our daily lives, things we got angry about, extremists on all sides of every issue, downvotes, several presidential cycles in many countries (but not all!)... print out all the archives.
On second thought, fuck that. What a waste of a paragraph, of an idea. Who is going to want to sift through old archives of humanity's internet comments? The media? Archaeologists, maybe. Universities. A museum in West Sandberdoo. And think of all the paper that would waste. What a shit, why can't we get people to plant trees? Why is it such a difficult concept, that if everyone stopped doing a lawn, the world would be twenty times less shitty, and thirty times more awesome? Why can't we build cities within trees instead of just on top of them? But that's a whole other unrelated topic, probably doesn't even belong in this one. This was about suits. That's it. That's why you don't have a job, and the kid who sat across from you in elementary school does. That's why he's got bitches, and you haven't even left Flatter County, home of literally one road that has a walmart on it surrounded by a gas station and suburbs. That's why all the species are going extinct on land. Agriculture is why all all the species are going extinct in the oceans, agriculture and mining and over-fishing, but the problems of agriculture require complex solutions that should be obvious.
Rats, for example. No, don't leave fucking poisonous garbage around the house in a desperate attempt to kill your neighbors; your entitled douchebaggery is harmful not only to yourselves but to all of those around you, including especially your children who have to drink your lawn pesticides on tap from the local aquifer every morning. Like who are you even trying to kill? Butterflies? Why? Who are you feeding with your lawn? Are you such a giant dick that if you are going to grow no food for anybody, you must also destroy all of the biodiversity around you like a toxic-ass dump, just so that nobody will misconstrue you as being useful? Herbicides, why? Do you hate flowers? Do you think that trees simply do not belong? Where the fuck will the birds go?
But, okay, these are structural rather than strictly behavioral problems. As a political philosopher my position is that humanity follows the course of least resistance like water, and if you are unhappy it is very likely that your expectations of human behavior do not conform to the reality of human behavior. That's why people who expect you to pick up trash, or not go shoplifting, or not graffiti, or educate themselves about whichever topic you're mad about now, or not wear pajamas to the supermarket, or wear shoes, or not break the glass at bus stops at night, are seriously screwing themselves over.
For this reason, it is important to design cities to optimize human behavior. (<=Thesis.) Urban planning influences and directs human behavior to a degree approaching 100%. The significant decline of the middle class in the United States of America, as it correlates perfectly with the massive expansion of the suburbs across the fields, is a great example of this fact. Other countries also have examples of this. The loss of retirement as a thing. The increasing cost of gas. The burdens of home ownership. More car maintenance fees. An expensive lawn which must be maintained at all costs.
Humanity needs to be better organized. And we need to start with the architecture and design of how humans are arranged. There are many cities around the world, some of which have done great jobs, some of which have done absolutely terrible jobs, in organizing humanity. This is why people in Florida are stuck and can't leave. This is why someone in Phoenix can't get a job.
The problem is that it is not being done. The obvious solution to rats, for example, was hawks. A lot of people thought of cats, good job, but cats themselves can become invasive and they are very high maintenance; what if the city installed little this-or-that's in which hawks can make their nests? Lots of areas around the world have native hawks which are endangered, or ospreys or eagles or all kinds of different options, and if you have a lot of rats then not only do you not have to worry about feeding the birds, you'll also start seeing a lot less rats. They will have even become useful. Seal up your kitchen and you're good to go. The end. You're happy, the rats are happy, your dog doesn't go to an early grave because he ate your bullshit. The birds are happy. The ecosystem begins to recover, as species support each other. Plant some fucking trees. Why is that so hard?
I think I'm happy ending on that non-sequitur. This was supposed to be short.
This is it. This is the key. Not specifically knowledge or even competency in anything. Dress the fuck up - it would probably be expensive as shit, unaffordable for 70% of people easily if not more, probably 95% globally - and you're in, managing people around like a bunch of swine, herding them into small corrals to do cubiclework. You're in New York City, London, Singapore, and someone is paying for you to be there. All because you own a suit and a suitcase. A suitcase full of suits. And a deck of cards. (For making friends with the people sitting next to you on the airplane.) And a camera, if you're lucky. Maybe some camping equipment if you're so inclined. Dog food every single week - the healthy sustainable kind! An apartment, someday.
Dress your ass the fuck up and show up there, in downtown, the financial district, wherever you know a whole bunch of assholes congregate, just show up there with some crunchy baked corn kernels covered in spicy shit and start feeding the pigeons, but extremely discreetly, so that nobody bitches you out. Fucking show up there in that corporate party the next time Friday evening rolls around, and while you're enjoying the free food, find out what the fuck everybody does. Talk to these fuckers. Oh, and what do you do? And what do you do? I gather information; I am an information gatherer; I studied phonics. Say whatever the fuck you want, or better yet, try to be creative while still telling the truth. I'm a journalist. Of sorts. I write. Who doesn't write? You're all on Reddit every day, writing your asses off, generating all this content, and where does it even go? Who is going to sift through old archives, finding all of these great things people wrote in 2016? People in the 2070s, maybe. It'll be as interesting to them as shit from 1876 is to us. Maybe they - whoever - should print about five copies of their archives and store it refrigerated in some container, so that if the digital copies get deleted or lost somewhere along the way, historians in 3572 will know all kinds of information about who we were, our daily lives, things we got angry about, extremists on all sides of every issue, downvotes, several presidential cycles in many countries (but not all!)... print out all the archives.
On second thought, fuck that. What a waste of a paragraph, of an idea. Who is going to want to sift through old archives of humanity's internet comments? The media? Archaeologists, maybe. Universities. A museum in West Sandberdoo. And think of all the paper that would waste. What a shit, why can't we get people to plant trees? Why is it such a difficult concept, that if everyone stopped doing a lawn, the world would be twenty times less shitty, and thirty times more awesome? Why can't we build cities within trees instead of just on top of them? But that's a whole other unrelated topic, probably doesn't even belong in this one. This was about suits. That's it. That's why you don't have a job, and the kid who sat across from you in elementary school does. That's why he's got bitches, and you haven't even left Flatter County, home of literally one road that has a walmart on it surrounded by a gas station and suburbs. That's why all the species are going extinct on land. Agriculture is why all all the species are going extinct in the oceans, agriculture and mining and over-fishing, but the problems of agriculture require complex solutions that should be obvious.
Rats, for example. No, don't leave fucking poisonous garbage around the house in a desperate attempt to kill your neighbors; your entitled douchebaggery is harmful not only to yourselves but to all of those around you, including especially your children who have to drink your lawn pesticides on tap from the local aquifer every morning. Like who are you even trying to kill? Butterflies? Why? Who are you feeding with your lawn? Are you such a giant dick that if you are going to grow no food for anybody, you must also destroy all of the biodiversity around you like a toxic-ass dump, just so that nobody will misconstrue you as being useful? Herbicides, why? Do you hate flowers? Do you think that trees simply do not belong? Where the fuck will the birds go?
But, okay, these are structural rather than strictly behavioral problems. As a political philosopher my position is that humanity follows the course of least resistance like water, and if you are unhappy it is very likely that your expectations of human behavior do not conform to the reality of human behavior. That's why people who expect you to pick up trash, or not go shoplifting, or not graffiti, or educate themselves about whichever topic you're mad about now, or not wear pajamas to the supermarket, or wear shoes, or not break the glass at bus stops at night, are seriously screwing themselves over.
For this reason, it is important to design cities to optimize human behavior. (<=Thesis.) Urban planning influences and directs human behavior to a degree approaching 100%. The significant decline of the middle class in the United States of America, as it correlates perfectly with the massive expansion of the suburbs across the fields, is a great example of this fact. Other countries also have examples of this. The loss of retirement as a thing. The increasing cost of gas. The burdens of home ownership. More car maintenance fees. An expensive lawn which must be maintained at all costs.
Humanity needs to be better organized. And we need to start with the architecture and design of how humans are arranged. There are many cities around the world, some of which have done great jobs, some of which have done absolutely terrible jobs, in organizing humanity. This is why people in Florida are stuck and can't leave. This is why someone in Phoenix can't get a job.
The problem is that it is not being done. The obvious solution to rats, for example, was hawks. A lot of people thought of cats, good job, but cats themselves can become invasive and they are very high maintenance; what if the city installed little this-or-that's in which hawks can make their nests? Lots of areas around the world have native hawks which are endangered, or ospreys or eagles or all kinds of different options, and if you have a lot of rats then not only do you not have to worry about feeding the birds, you'll also start seeing a lot less rats. They will have even become useful. Seal up your kitchen and you're good to go. The end. You're happy, the rats are happy, your dog doesn't go to an early grave because he ate your bullshit. The birds are happy. The ecosystem begins to recover, as species support each other. Plant some fucking trees. Why is that so hard?
I think I'm happy ending on that non-sequitur. This was supposed to be short.
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